Dark Knight for one little girl

My husband and I went to see Dark Knight last weekend, and just as we were settling in, a family walked in and sat down behind us. Mom, Dad, little girl-- maybe 6 or 7. I was stunned. I had a really hard time enjoying the movie, because every time I winced at the gore and violence on the screen (disappearing pencil, anyone??) I turned around in disbelief that there was a little girl behind me and her parents were sanctioning her viewing it.

What were you thinking?? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you cannot afford a babysitter, either go see a G rated movie or rent from Netflix and wait until the kids go to bed. How selfish are you that you take your child to a movie like that? Nightmares, night terrors, anxiety, bedwetting, clingy behavior, that's what you can expect. Your child's brain is still forming, still developing, still thinking the world revolves around them at that age. They are immersed in the fantasy world, and cannot differentiate fantasy from reality. The Joker is as real to them as the librarian.

Be a parent. Do what's best for your child, not what makes your life easier.

Tough Love

I usually try to be nice when coaching parents, believing that a caring approach will get you further in terms of changing behavior. I always said when talking about my choice of going to my state medical school (rather than the high powered, well-known private one which was my other option) that when you have a choice of having someone lead and inspire you or kick you in the butt from behind, you'll get to the end either way, but one trip will be infinitely more pleasant.

Recently I saw a 3 year old who was so meek, so soft-spoken, so timid that he could barely tell me his name (and I've been his doctor since birth), so I dug a little deeper. Turns out he still sleeps in bed with his parents, and his mother still feeds him, she still dresses him. She felt like when he dressed or fed himself, it was too slow, so she just did it for him. Looking at this little boy, I couldn't be nice any longer.

I said, "You have to stop this. You are hurting him. You are hindering his development. I know you think you are being loving and caring, but by continuing to baby him, you are doing him a lot of harm. I am going to repeat myself-- you HAVE to stop babying him-- he will cry, he will get upset, he will be slower at dressing himself and feeding himself than you would be, but he HAS to do it himself, or he will never develop properly!" Mom was smiling in this sort of apologetic, "I guess you're right, but I don't know what else to do..." sort of way that I was quite familiar with. I had been seeing it for three years now. It wasn't the first time I had had the conversation with her about needing to be tougher. It started with him being brought into their bed since he didn['t want to sleep through the night in his own bed. It continued with him being a picky eater, and the parents not being firm enough with forcing him to eat. It was the first time I'd been so blunt. Encouraging good behavior apparently hasn't been enough.

When they're 6 months old and they're still bringing the baby into their bed when he or she wakes up and cries, I don't always pick that battle. I tell parents that while I think it's a bad idea, I'm not going to come to their house and pull the baby out of their bed. I understand they need to sleep.

It was a real lesson to me that I need to be firmer in my advice when I see parents not being tough. Even caring too much can be harmful. I'm going to be following this family more closely now.

The Circle of Life

I have been struggling with how much personal info to bring here, stuff not about being a Mean Mommy, not about kids. Frankly, with how little I've been blogging lately, I may not have any readers anymore, so this may be a moot point. I guess, though, this isn't so much about having kids as it is about being a kid, or about me being a kid. I hope if I still have readers they understand.

This is about my Gran, my Mom's mom.

I like to think of Gran as a real "broad." As a child, she would teach me Yiddish curses that translated to things like, "May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground!" She also taught me that you always dress for the theater, and it never hurts to have "your people" at places like your bank, your department store, and your favorite restaurant.

The week before last, she fell and broke her hip, in that horrid way that only elderly people can do, requiring surgery and a rod to put the pieces back together. As we feared, she did not do well. Pain control was difficult to achieve, and she was too stubborn and tired to go to rehab. My uncle decided to have her transferred to hospice last week, and on Thursday morning, she died, surrounded by my uncle, aunt, and cousins. Ironically (and blessedly), Patrick and I were already in Oklahoma for myhigh school reunion when we got the call. She will be buried here in OK next to my grandfather and near my mother, where she wanted to be since the day Mom died. I am so glad I was here so I could help with local arrangements.

So I've been thinking a lot about what goes into making us who we are. Gran was a big part of it. Sort of your typical New York Jewish grandmother, lots of guilt and mixed messages-- "Eat, eat!" "You're putting on some weight, you have such a pretty face..." but not really the warm, cuddly, bake you cookies type. She was the epitome of a "real lady," always well put together, got her hair and nails done weekly. Always gracious to people, even when she didn't feel like it. When you think about it, for a role model, I could have had worse.

Hopefully the injection of some personal stuff in here will be a good thing. Only time (and comments) will tell.

Working it Out

I want to give props to my sisters-in-law for how they have been dealing with their sons these past few weeks.  One family recently moved here, and their son is 4 1/2.  The other family lives here, and they have 2 sons, the older of which is about 3 1/2.  Both of them are used to being stars, and getting lots of attention.  This makes for a painful wake up call-- necessary, but painful.  It's extremely hard the day you have to deal with the fact that you are not the only golden child.  

I have to say, both Mean Mommies are handling it quite well.  I saw them both in action recently at a family event.  Lots of "not sharing" and lots of whining about it.  Both Mean Mommies stood their ground, were fair yet loving, and wanted no part of a whining little boy.  They made them share, and took toys away when the boys simply could not do it.  

Two wonderful examples, proud to know them both.

Great Minds Think Alike

The other day I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea-- a portable time out mat! One that fits in your purse, so when you're at the store and your little one decides to pull a fit or do something unacceptable, you flop it on the floor and they have their time out right there. It also serves the purpose of showing those around you that you're not just ignoring your child's poor behavior, but dealing with it-- that can stave off some of the dirty looks strangers give when you're trying to discipline in public.

I still think it's a brilliant idea, it's just already been done-- sigh. Take a look at this. I want to buy a stash and give them to my parents as needed.

http://www.take-out-time-out.com/

Because I Said So-- Part 2.

Thanks again to my blog-mentor, Class-Factotum, for alerting me to this blog entry of testosterhome (Love that name, btw!). It is an unsettling reminder of how important it is to get the message to our kids to listen the first time.

http://www.testosterhome.net/2008/05/trust-and-obedience.html

He's Got the Right Idea

Much thanks to my friend, Class-Factotum, for bringing this to my attention:

http://www.dailygazette.com/news/2008/apr/30/0430_spankings/

“If we took our own children off the streets, we wouldn’t need so many police,” the Rev. Emanuel Adams said.

He castigated parents for negotiating with their children instead of setting firm rules.
“We’ve got to control our children,” he said. “You want to argue with them, and yet you feed them and clothe them. I see parents arguing with a 3-year-old child over whether to sit down.”

He, too, offered to help if parents were too afraid to discipline their children themselves.

“You’ve got to discipline that child,” he said. “If you don’t do this, I don’t care what the mayor does, I don’t care what the police do, I don’t care how many cameras you have, you will not resolve this problem.”

Amen.