Mean Moms Poem

My sister in law sent me this today, so thanks to L. for this:

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Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean ole Mom told me:

I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.

And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

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Tough Love Update

This past Monday, I saw my little 3 year old that I posted about in Tough Love. Apparently, the same night that they saw me, his parents started having him dress himself and feed himself, and are working toward having him sleep in his own bed. When he came in with his little brother (who was there for his 9 month old checkup), he was more interactive, answered most of my questions, and smiled a few times. His marked improvement earned him a Lightning McQueen sticker and a "yummy stick" (I use flavored tongue depressors, that are impregnated with a nondescript fruity taste but are non-sugared-- kids LOVE them, but I happen to think they taste way overly sweet-- blech). I am all for positive reinforcement.

Thought you would like to know. It sure made my day.

It Takes a Village

Riding the NY Subway over the weekend, I was not surprised to see a 2 yr old having a meltdown. Mid-afternoon, probably missed her nap, tired and crabby. She was hitting her Mom and screaming, didn't want to get into her stroller, and Mom was threatening her with a time out on a crowded subway. God bless her. I heard Mom say, "Do you want a time out? I'll put you in the time out chair!" At that point I stood up and gestured to my open spot and said, "Look, a time out chair!" Mom looked at me gratefully and sat her child down. She thanked me, and I told her, "That's okay, I'm a pediatrician. Thank you for letting me help you." She said, "That's allright, it takes a village to raise a child these days...." The girl of course was having none of the discipline, squirming out of the chair, but Mom was dutifully putting her right back in. I walked her through it, and then we actually put her back in her stroller for the remainder of her time out since she kept squirming out of my seat. I told Mom to turn the stroller away from her so she wasn't getting any attention, and the toddler slowly calmed herself down. I kept giving Mom verbal support during the tantrum, and she seemed grateful (actually mentioned that "The time out thing is sort of new to her.") When the toddler was quiet, Mom took her out and gave her a hug and some juice, and she was fine for the remainder of the subway ride.

I wish for more moments like this, where we can help one another raise well disciplined, secure, happy children. God bless that Mom and her daughter, and a special blessing for her having the courage to take some help.

Happy Birthday....?

The Cheeseguy and I went to our very good friends' daughter's birthday party yesterday. E. is the first grandchild on one side, and the only grandchild on the other. Lovely food, lovely conversation, cute games (who doesn't like the Hokey-Pokey?) but then the gifts started coming. Wow. It was as if FAO Schwarz, Target, and The Children's Place all had a colossal collision in mid-air over this house and vomited all their contents into their living room. Okay, that's a bit of hyperbole, but when E. opened a box and started to play happily with the tissue paper, I wished we could have stopped there and given her the rest of the presents later (as in months later, for Chanukah, and she STILL would have had plenty to open). My friend told me she tried to veto the party but was overruled. She really tries hard to keep her daughter grounded, but in the face of overwhelming opposition, I can see how her resolve failed. Now they have to figure out what to do with an entire dollhouse with the entire contents for every room. How many pieces? I don't know if I can count that high-- I know E. can't (although she is very smart, in my completely unbiased opinion). I feel badly that we contributed to the madness with three Crayola coloring pads, ponytail holders and a placemat with a fill-in-the-blank map of the United States (that came from Cheeseguy, who insisted that despite E.'s inability to fill-in-the-blank, it was still okay since it was for ages 3+. He loves maps so much that I thought it was adorable that he wanted to share that with her).

So what do you readers think? How have you handled birthdays for your children? There's got to be a balance between Mommy-Dearest giving away all but one present and the toy-explosions that are all too common today. Share, and let others learn from you!

Just plain lucky

Cheese Guy and I are in San Francisco, partially on business, but a little time for vacation. We were lucky enough to spend the day in Berkeley with our friend Class-Factotum. We had lunch at a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and as we were perusing the menu, a family of three walked in. Mother, grandmother, and daughter, about 5 years old in my estimation (although the child was in a flowered top and polka dotted pants, she had quite the boy's hair cut so I wasn't completely sure it was a girl, but that is for another post).

To begin with, the child was not wearing shoes, and continued to walk around the filthy restaurant floor barefoot. Then, as the mother and grandmother ate their lunch, the child wandered around the restaurant, towards the OPEN DOOR, and the adults did NOTHING! They didn't EVEN NOTICE!! The server was standing in the doorway, and the child walked towards her and began to ask, "What are you doing?" When the server shooed her away from the door, she began to do pseudo-somersaults on the entry carpet. I was glad I was almost done with my meal, because I couldn't have stood it for much longer. This mother was just incredibly lucky that no one came along and enticed that child out the door, because as I saw her interactions with complete strangers, she had minimal boundaries, so it would have been a shockingly easy task.

Parents, when you take your children out in public, you are ALWAYS responsible for them! Don't ever assume that a server or staff will watch them. Besides the fact that it is not their job, it is YOURS, that is just an unbelievably stupid thing to do. Don't even assume they can take care of themselves, unless they are teenagers (and even then, only to a certain degree). Don't ever, ever, EVER let your children wander off in public. Every parent of a missing or abducted child can tell you, they never thought anything would ever happen to them. In the space of an eyeblink, the worst thing you can ever imagine can happen.

Dark Knight for one little girl

My husband and I went to see Dark Knight last weekend, and just as we were settling in, a family walked in and sat down behind us. Mom, Dad, little girl-- maybe 6 or 7. I was stunned. I had a really hard time enjoying the movie, because every time I winced at the gore and violence on the screen (disappearing pencil, anyone??) I turned around in disbelief that there was a little girl behind me and her parents were sanctioning her viewing it.

What were you thinking?? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you cannot afford a babysitter, either go see a G rated movie or rent from Netflix and wait until the kids go to bed. How selfish are you that you take your child to a movie like that? Nightmares, night terrors, anxiety, bedwetting, clingy behavior, that's what you can expect. Your child's brain is still forming, still developing, still thinking the world revolves around them at that age. They are immersed in the fantasy world, and cannot differentiate fantasy from reality. The Joker is as real to them as the librarian.

Be a parent. Do what's best for your child, not what makes your life easier.

Tough Love

I usually try to be nice when coaching parents, believing that a caring approach will get you further in terms of changing behavior. I always said when talking about my choice of going to my state medical school (rather than the high powered, well-known private one which was my other option) that when you have a choice of having someone lead and inspire you or kick you in the butt from behind, you'll get to the end either way, but one trip will be infinitely more pleasant.

Recently I saw a 3 year old who was so meek, so soft-spoken, so timid that he could barely tell me his name (and I've been his doctor since birth), so I dug a little deeper. Turns out he still sleeps in bed with his parents, and his mother still feeds him, she still dresses him. She felt like when he dressed or fed himself, it was too slow, so she just did it for him. Looking at this little boy, I couldn't be nice any longer.

I said, "You have to stop this. You are hurting him. You are hindering his development. I know you think you are being loving and caring, but by continuing to baby him, you are doing him a lot of harm. I am going to repeat myself-- you HAVE to stop babying him-- he will cry, he will get upset, he will be slower at dressing himself and feeding himself than you would be, but he HAS to do it himself, or he will never develop properly!" Mom was smiling in this sort of apologetic, "I guess you're right, but I don't know what else to do..." sort of way that I was quite familiar with. I had been seeing it for three years now. It wasn't the first time I had had the conversation with her about needing to be tougher. It started with him being brought into their bed since he didn['t want to sleep through the night in his own bed. It continued with him being a picky eater, and the parents not being firm enough with forcing him to eat. It was the first time I'd been so blunt. Encouraging good behavior apparently hasn't been enough.

When they're 6 months old and they're still bringing the baby into their bed when he or she wakes up and cries, I don't always pick that battle. I tell parents that while I think it's a bad idea, I'm not going to come to their house and pull the baby out of their bed. I understand they need to sleep.

It was a real lesson to me that I need to be firmer in my advice when I see parents not being tough. Even caring too much can be harmful. I'm going to be following this family more closely now.