The Circle of Life

I have been struggling with how much personal info to bring here, stuff not about being a Mean Mommy, not about kids. Frankly, with how little I've been blogging lately, I may not have any readers anymore, so this may be a moot point. I guess, though, this isn't so much about having kids as it is about being a kid, or about me being a kid. I hope if I still have readers they understand.

This is about my Gran, my Mom's mom.

I like to think of Gran as a real "broad." As a child, she would teach me Yiddish curses that translated to things like, "May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground!" She also taught me that you always dress for the theater, and it never hurts to have "your people" at places like your bank, your department store, and your favorite restaurant.

The week before last, she fell and broke her hip, in that horrid way that only elderly people can do, requiring surgery and a rod to put the pieces back together. As we feared, she did not do well. Pain control was difficult to achieve, and she was too stubborn and tired to go to rehab. My uncle decided to have her transferred to hospice last week, and on Thursday morning, she died, surrounded by my uncle, aunt, and cousins. Ironically (and blessedly), Patrick and I were already in Oklahoma for myhigh school reunion when we got the call. She will be buried here in OK next to my grandfather and near my mother, where she wanted to be since the day Mom died. I am so glad I was here so I could help with local arrangements.

So I've been thinking a lot about what goes into making us who we are. Gran was a big part of it. Sort of your typical New York Jewish grandmother, lots of guilt and mixed messages-- "Eat, eat!" "You're putting on some weight, you have such a pretty face..." but not really the warm, cuddly, bake you cookies type. She was the epitome of a "real lady," always well put together, got her hair and nails done weekly. Always gracious to people, even when she didn't feel like it. When you think about it, for a role model, I could have had worse.

Hopefully the injection of some personal stuff in here will be a good thing. Only time (and comments) will tell.

Working it Out

I want to give props to my sisters-in-law for how they have been dealing with their sons these past few weeks.  One family recently moved here, and their son is 4 1/2.  The other family lives here, and they have 2 sons, the older of which is about 3 1/2.  Both of them are used to being stars, and getting lots of attention.  This makes for a painful wake up call-- necessary, but painful.  It's extremely hard the day you have to deal with the fact that you are not the only golden child.  

I have to say, both Mean Mommies are handling it quite well.  I saw them both in action recently at a family event.  Lots of "not sharing" and lots of whining about it.  Both Mean Mommies stood their ground, were fair yet loving, and wanted no part of a whining little boy.  They made them share, and took toys away when the boys simply could not do it.  

Two wonderful examples, proud to know them both.

Great Minds Think Alike

The other day I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea-- a portable time out mat! One that fits in your purse, so when you're at the store and your little one decides to pull a fit or do something unacceptable, you flop it on the floor and they have their time out right there. It also serves the purpose of showing those around you that you're not just ignoring your child's poor behavior, but dealing with it-- that can stave off some of the dirty looks strangers give when you're trying to discipline in public.

I still think it's a brilliant idea, it's just already been done-- sigh. Take a look at this. I want to buy a stash and give them to my parents as needed.

http://www.take-out-time-out.com/

Because I Said So-- Part 2.

Thanks again to my blog-mentor, Class-Factotum, for alerting me to this blog entry of testosterhome (Love that name, btw!). It is an unsettling reminder of how important it is to get the message to our kids to listen the first time.

http://www.testosterhome.net/2008/05/trust-and-obedience.html

He's Got the Right Idea

Much thanks to my friend, Class-Factotum, for bringing this to my attention:

http://www.dailygazette.com/news/2008/apr/30/0430_spankings/

“If we took our own children off the streets, we wouldn’t need so many police,” the Rev. Emanuel Adams said.

He castigated parents for negotiating with their children instead of setting firm rules.
“We’ve got to control our children,” he said. “You want to argue with them, and yet you feed them and clothe them. I see parents arguing with a 3-year-old child over whether to sit down.”

He, too, offered to help if parents were too afraid to discipline their children themselves.

“You’ve got to discipline that child,” he said. “If you don’t do this, I don’t care what the mayor does, I don’t care what the police do, I don’t care how many cameras you have, you will not resolve this problem.”

Amen.

Single-Minded Creatures

I want to make all the MeanMommies out there feel a little better about how exhausted they are from the constant struggle with their SmartOnes. You have to remember, you as MeanMommies have many jobs. You work, you take care of your kids, you may cook and clean the house, you have to run errands, you are a friend, a spouse, a daughter, maybe a sister... That's a lot of jobs for one person. Your darling little precious children? One job. One.

To Get What They Want.

That's it. That's the only job they have, the only thing they have to worry about. Day in and day out. No bills, no putting food on the table. No trying to remember Aunt Rita's birthday while making plane reservations and talking to your father on the phone.

And because they only have one job, they are spectacularly good at it. Single-minded in their pursuit of their goal, whether it be five more minutes before sleep, or a piece of candy in the store.

Remember that, when you're exhausted from the fight. Remember that, stay strong, don't give in, but give yourself a break.

High-Level Love Manipulation

This post is for my friend T, whose little boy is my absolute favorite boy ever on this earth, and always will be. I first laid eyes on this wonder when he was 3 months old, and I knew then (as I whispered in his ear) that "We are going to be really good friends, you and I." He is a very, very smart boy, and knows it-- a living example of why I tell my parents that the smarter your child is, the less leeway they can get. Give a smart kid an inch, and he will negotiate the entire football field.

The other night T and I were going out, and I came over to her house. As we started to leave, this wondrous little boy started his usual, "Momma, don't leave." Not surprising at all. He, like all children, want just a little more- a little more time with their parents, a little more time before bed, a little more candy, a little... more. We continued to leave, but then-- and here's where it gets good-- he began to say, "I love you, Momma. Please, give me a hug. Just one more hug." She gave him another hug, but then disengaged and started to leave. He followed us down the stairs, saying, "Let me give you one more kiss, because I looooove you, Mommy." Mommy. He never calls her Mommy-- it's always Momma. I almost started to laugh. We kept on going, and then he tried to follow us out the side door-- he would have, had I not blocked him and put him back inside.

He called out, opening the door (and it's a good thing he doesn't have shoes on and it's snowy) and leaning out, "Goodbye, Mommy! I Love You!! I Love You Mommy!!! I Love you Ilee (his nickname for me)!!" When we wouldn't answer he got louder and more insistent, " I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!" Finally, we collapsed into the car, and I started laughing. "Wow!" I said. This is really high level love manipulation. Brilliant, really. It's easy to say no if they want to stay awake, or have you get them some water, or want you to buy them something. How do you say no when they want you to LOVE them!!! I told T that I was really impressed that he'd figured this out at his age. I also told her I was impressed that she didn't get sucked in. It's hard to do, and she did a great job. She told me he does this all the time. I'm not surprised.