Who is the center of your family?

My friend Rachel clued me into this article, which talks about women putting pictures of their kids up as their Facebook profile photo. It tied into an issue I've had for some time-- family holiday cards which only contain pictures of the children. I have no problem with family photos, but when the cards only contain the faces of the kids, it sends the message that the parents don't matter. Who are these faceless, Charlie-Brown style adults? All I see are adorable kids, so who's in control?



Parents should be front and center of everything done with the family. I love the part in the article where it talks about how by being over-engaged in every aspect of our children's lives, we have created kids who cannot play by themselves, who cannot entertain themselves. There is a fine line between supporting your children and giving them a good foundation of safety and security AND being too over-involved and smothering. It is a line more parents should be mindful of.



Make sure you as parents are the center of the family, that not everything revolves around every kid's activity, every hour of the day. Make sure you are in control of your family. Your kids will be more independent as a result, and they will thank you for it.

When Time Outs don't Work

Sometimes all the best advice you've been given simply doesn't work for your kid. I know that. You know that. It's life.

Discipline is one example. To be effective, a mode of discipline has to take a child out of their head. It has to sort of shock them. Well, shock may be a bad word-- let's say unsettle. The child has to realize what they are doing is wrong, and the consequence has to be enough to (hopefully) dissuade them from doing it again. For example, take time outs. They work for a lot of kids, but not for all. Sometimes being put in a quiet spot just isn't enough of a consequence. One mother told me today of how she deals with her spirited little girl. When M. gets too excited, her MeanMommy puts her toys in a time out. I think that's brilliant. It's all about looking for the right button to push that lets your child know what they did was unacceptable. Sometimes it's a time out. Sometimes it's putting their toys in time out. For some it's not letting them do an activity with you that they were really looking forward to. Whatever the button is, you'll know it when you find it.

I'd love to hear about what works (or doesn't) for you.

Good times, good times....

I am very excited to have my good friend Class-Factotum visit me this weekend. She will arrive tomorrow morning, her husband will follow her on Sunday and they will stay through his meeting on Monday. Follow her blog, since she will likely be posting pics from our time together. CheeseGuy Family Movie Day is tomorrow- a beautiful old family tradition, complete with the gravitas that his family attaches to all traditions (in this case, voting ballots, spreadsheets, etc). I think our movies are Slumdog Millionaire, MILK, Leatherheads, and Pineapple Express. I've seen Slumdog Millionaire already and I didn't vote for Leatherheads or Pineapple Express, but that is irrelevant- the "Process" was followed, and we abide by the rules.

Wow, I found a MeanMommy moment and I wasn't even looking!!

Eight is Not Enough-- it's too much!

People have been asking me about my view of the Octuplet Mom, and I have been trying to not get into it, because it hits a real nerve with me. However, I saw Dr. Phil this week and I can't be silent anymore. His show was all about how she should get services like free nannies and free diapers and free everything so the kids don't go into foster care, how foster care is so terrible, etc. I wanted to scream at the TV, "I don't want the kids to go into foster care!! I want them to be adopted out!!" They should have the opportunity to be in real families who want them, who can love them and care for them. I agree they shouldn't be in foster care, but they also shouldn't be with that crazy narcissistic nutjob who thinks she's the earth mother to the world.

I am so angry at this whole situation. I think that IVF should not be paid for by the taxpayers. I think the doctor who repeatedly did her IVF should have his license revoked. He is a disgrace to my profession, and all of my colleagues agree. I think when she had eight embryos she should have had selective reduction. For those who believe that's playing G-d, I say, "The moment you had IVF you played G-d. It's all about semantics now." If you don't believe in selective reduction, you should never implant more than 1-2 embryos at a time, because the risk that you incur to the embryos when you allow too many to continue is too great. It's selfish, plain and simple. If you have to allow them all to continue, then exercise a little control on the front end. The reason people implant more is because of the assumption that some will not implant. You have to be prepared for the possibility that they all will, and if you cannot reduce that to a number that is safe for the children that will be born, you have no business implanting more than can be safely and healthily carried to term.

I don't even have words for how selfish and reckless that woman and her doctor were. Now we as a society are faced with giving her the resources that support her irresponsibility. No consequences. Why not continue? Why not do it again? Hell, let all people who can't afford kids get pregnant on the community dole and give them free stuff so they don't have to be responsible. Let those of us who work hard and raise our families scrimp and save and go without so our kids can go to good schools, so we can teach them values of responsibility, kindness, stewardship. The reckless ones? We'll pay for them. They don't have to answer to anyone.

Ugh.

Unbelievable!

I can almost count on one hand the times that parents have actually listened to me when I've recommended something that is not a "quick fix." I'm not talking about turning around the car seat when they turn 1 year old and weigh 20 lbs. I'm not talking about switching from formula to whole milk, or not feeding infants and small kids honey. I'm talking about the tough stuff, that requires some significant commitment.

I remember the Dad in my residency who quit smoking when I told him that the risk of SIDS goes up 7 times when a baby is around a parent or caregiver who smokes (even if it's not inside the house). I remember the parents who I mentioned earlier, who stopped babying their 3 year old when I told them they were holding him back. And from this week on, I will always remember my darling D. and her courageous parents.

They don't speak very much English, and are incredibly patient with me as I muddle through with my Spanish. Last time I saw D, her height was 25% and her weight was over the 95%-- she was off the charts. I know their culture is such that chubby is preferable to skinny, and so I try to take that into account, but this was really too much. I advised them that her weight was a real concern-- hard on her bones, hard on her health, hard to start out overweight as a child and change it as an adult. They seemed to understand, but I always wonder how much translates-- they're a jovial couple and always smile and nod when I talk to them.

This week D was my first appointment of the day, and as I walked into the room I skimmed her growth charts, and was stopped in my tracks. Her weight had dropped to the 85%, even lost weight by a pound. I was stunned! I went in with the hugest smile on my face, and couldn't contain my joy. I even got teary-eyed as I told them how proud of all of them I was. They had made some changes in her diet ("red" milk to 2%, less fat, fewer packaged snack foods), and kept her active. She looked so wonderful-- she got three stickers from me, I was so happy.

It made my day-- my week, really. To have a patient begin to be more healthy, make better choices, because of something I said-- that's a huge compliment. It's an even bigger responsibility, and I don't take it lightly.

Not a drop to drink

I was leaving the downtown Target the other day via the underground garage, and passed by a pitiful sight.  There was a grandmother  with a full cart, admonishing her grandson, "Now, if you finish the drink I won't have anything to take my pills with, and that will make me upset."  This child was maybe 4 years old, and was drinking the drink as he was watching his grandmother talk to him.  

Note I didn't say listening to her, because he clearly wasn't.  He was still drinking.  Let's set aside the fact that this small child was drinking soda-- the diet of our nation's youth is an entirely different subject for another post.  He was clearly disobeying her, and she was tolerating it.  If she allowed him to continue, I have no doubt he would finish the drink-- and what reason did he have to think she was serious?  She was ensuring that he would not listen, and ensuring she would get mad.  

Trying to reason with a child of that age is simply ridiculous.  They don't have abstract reasoning skills yet.  Why set them up for failure?  Either give him his own drink, or when he is getting close to not leaving you enough, take it back.  He may cry, but you tell him you need the rest, and he has had enough.  Why????  Because you said so.  

MMD  

I need a 12-step program

I am a Journalspace refugee.  Well, my other persona is.  I always blogged more personal stuff at the Cheeseguy blog on Journalspace.  

I also futzed with the HTML to make it look nice, and I was really proud of that-- it took a lot of time!  Despite my other job consulting with doctors and technology, I'm really not much of a programmer.  I do consider myself a logical person, so trial-and-error with the HTML wasn't too awful.  I could definitely use a class... be sure to put that right at the bottom of my to-do list.  

Well, journalspace is no more.  We have moved Cheeseguy to blogspot, but now all the recoverable stuff has to be dealt with.  I am grateful to friends for helping us recover as much as we have, but Paris and Barcelona are mostly gone.  It's really hard to think about it at times.

So now back to real life- to 2009, and the hope that it will bring us a baby.  I know that will change everything, but I think we will be able to handle it.  Ah, the folly of the end of youth.  

MMD

Where I've been

Just an FYI for those out there-- I am on my honeymoon (follow our travels from the blog link at www.cheeseguy.com) and will return Friday the 7th, hopefully to a renewed dedication to blogging.

PS- European kids are pretty well behaved-- the tantrums have been at a minumum over here!

Mean Moms Poem

My sister in law sent me this today, so thanks to L. for this:

*************************************
Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean ole Mom told me:

I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.

And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

**********

Tough Love Update

This past Monday, I saw my little 3 year old that I posted about in Tough Love. Apparently, the same night that they saw me, his parents started having him dress himself and feed himself, and are working toward having him sleep in his own bed. When he came in with his little brother (who was there for his 9 month old checkup), he was more interactive, answered most of my questions, and smiled a few times. His marked improvement earned him a Lightning McQueen sticker and a "yummy stick" (I use flavored tongue depressors, that are impregnated with a nondescript fruity taste but are non-sugared-- kids LOVE them, but I happen to think they taste way overly sweet-- blech). I am all for positive reinforcement.

Thought you would like to know. It sure made my day.

It Takes a Village

Riding the NY Subway over the weekend, I was not surprised to see a 2 yr old having a meltdown. Mid-afternoon, probably missed her nap, tired and crabby. She was hitting her Mom and screaming, didn't want to get into her stroller, and Mom was threatening her with a time out on a crowded subway. God bless her. I heard Mom say, "Do you want a time out? I'll put you in the time out chair!" At that point I stood up and gestured to my open spot and said, "Look, a time out chair!" Mom looked at me gratefully and sat her child down. She thanked me, and I told her, "That's okay, I'm a pediatrician. Thank you for letting me help you." She said, "That's allright, it takes a village to raise a child these days...." The girl of course was having none of the discipline, squirming out of the chair, but Mom was dutifully putting her right back in. I walked her through it, and then we actually put her back in her stroller for the remainder of her time out since she kept squirming out of my seat. I told Mom to turn the stroller away from her so she wasn't getting any attention, and the toddler slowly calmed herself down. I kept giving Mom verbal support during the tantrum, and she seemed grateful (actually mentioned that "The time out thing is sort of new to her.") When the toddler was quiet, Mom took her out and gave her a hug and some juice, and she was fine for the remainder of the subway ride.

I wish for more moments like this, where we can help one another raise well disciplined, secure, happy children. God bless that Mom and her daughter, and a special blessing for her having the courage to take some help.

Happy Birthday....?

The Cheeseguy and I went to our very good friends' daughter's birthday party yesterday. E. is the first grandchild on one side, and the only grandchild on the other. Lovely food, lovely conversation, cute games (who doesn't like the Hokey-Pokey?) but then the gifts started coming. Wow. It was as if FAO Schwarz, Target, and The Children's Place all had a colossal collision in mid-air over this house and vomited all their contents into their living room. Okay, that's a bit of hyperbole, but when E. opened a box and started to play happily with the tissue paper, I wished we could have stopped there and given her the rest of the presents later (as in months later, for Chanukah, and she STILL would have had plenty to open). My friend told me she tried to veto the party but was overruled. She really tries hard to keep her daughter grounded, but in the face of overwhelming opposition, I can see how her resolve failed. Now they have to figure out what to do with an entire dollhouse with the entire contents for every room. How many pieces? I don't know if I can count that high-- I know E. can't (although she is very smart, in my completely unbiased opinion). I feel badly that we contributed to the madness with three Crayola coloring pads, ponytail holders and a placemat with a fill-in-the-blank map of the United States (that came from Cheeseguy, who insisted that despite E.'s inability to fill-in-the-blank, it was still okay since it was for ages 3+. He loves maps so much that I thought it was adorable that he wanted to share that with her).

So what do you readers think? How have you handled birthdays for your children? There's got to be a balance between Mommy-Dearest giving away all but one present and the toy-explosions that are all too common today. Share, and let others learn from you!

Just plain lucky

Cheese Guy and I are in San Francisco, partially on business, but a little time for vacation. We were lucky enough to spend the day in Berkeley with our friend Class-Factotum. We had lunch at a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and as we were perusing the menu, a family of three walked in. Mother, grandmother, and daughter, about 5 years old in my estimation (although the child was in a flowered top and polka dotted pants, she had quite the boy's hair cut so I wasn't completely sure it was a girl, but that is for another post).

To begin with, the child was not wearing shoes, and continued to walk around the filthy restaurant floor barefoot. Then, as the mother and grandmother ate their lunch, the child wandered around the restaurant, towards the OPEN DOOR, and the adults did NOTHING! They didn't EVEN NOTICE!! The server was standing in the doorway, and the child walked towards her and began to ask, "What are you doing?" When the server shooed her away from the door, she began to do pseudo-somersaults on the entry carpet. I was glad I was almost done with my meal, because I couldn't have stood it for much longer. This mother was just incredibly lucky that no one came along and enticed that child out the door, because as I saw her interactions with complete strangers, she had minimal boundaries, so it would have been a shockingly easy task.

Parents, when you take your children out in public, you are ALWAYS responsible for them! Don't ever assume that a server or staff will watch them. Besides the fact that it is not their job, it is YOURS, that is just an unbelievably stupid thing to do. Don't even assume they can take care of themselves, unless they are teenagers (and even then, only to a certain degree). Don't ever, ever, EVER let your children wander off in public. Every parent of a missing or abducted child can tell you, they never thought anything would ever happen to them. In the space of an eyeblink, the worst thing you can ever imagine can happen.

Dark Knight for one little girl

My husband and I went to see Dark Knight last weekend, and just as we were settling in, a family walked in and sat down behind us. Mom, Dad, little girl-- maybe 6 or 7. I was stunned. I had a really hard time enjoying the movie, because every time I winced at the gore and violence on the screen (disappearing pencil, anyone??) I turned around in disbelief that there was a little girl behind me and her parents were sanctioning her viewing it.

What were you thinking?? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you cannot afford a babysitter, either go see a G rated movie or rent from Netflix and wait until the kids go to bed. How selfish are you that you take your child to a movie like that? Nightmares, night terrors, anxiety, bedwetting, clingy behavior, that's what you can expect. Your child's brain is still forming, still developing, still thinking the world revolves around them at that age. They are immersed in the fantasy world, and cannot differentiate fantasy from reality. The Joker is as real to them as the librarian.

Be a parent. Do what's best for your child, not what makes your life easier.

Tough Love

I usually try to be nice when coaching parents, believing that a caring approach will get you further in terms of changing behavior. I always said when talking about my choice of going to my state medical school (rather than the high powered, well-known private one which was my other option) that when you have a choice of having someone lead and inspire you or kick you in the butt from behind, you'll get to the end either way, but one trip will be infinitely more pleasant.

Recently I saw a 3 year old who was so meek, so soft-spoken, so timid that he could barely tell me his name (and I've been his doctor since birth), so I dug a little deeper. Turns out he still sleeps in bed with his parents, and his mother still feeds him, she still dresses him. She felt like when he dressed or fed himself, it was too slow, so she just did it for him. Looking at this little boy, I couldn't be nice any longer.

I said, "You have to stop this. You are hurting him. You are hindering his development. I know you think you are being loving and caring, but by continuing to baby him, you are doing him a lot of harm. I am going to repeat myself-- you HAVE to stop babying him-- he will cry, he will get upset, he will be slower at dressing himself and feeding himself than you would be, but he HAS to do it himself, or he will never develop properly!" Mom was smiling in this sort of apologetic, "I guess you're right, but I don't know what else to do..." sort of way that I was quite familiar with. I had been seeing it for three years now. It wasn't the first time I had had the conversation with her about needing to be tougher. It started with him being brought into their bed since he didn['t want to sleep through the night in his own bed. It continued with him being a picky eater, and the parents not being firm enough with forcing him to eat. It was the first time I'd been so blunt. Encouraging good behavior apparently hasn't been enough.

When they're 6 months old and they're still bringing the baby into their bed when he or she wakes up and cries, I don't always pick that battle. I tell parents that while I think it's a bad idea, I'm not going to come to their house and pull the baby out of their bed. I understand they need to sleep.

It was a real lesson to me that I need to be firmer in my advice when I see parents not being tough. Even caring too much can be harmful. I'm going to be following this family more closely now.

The Circle of Life

I have been struggling with how much personal info to bring here, stuff not about being a Mean Mommy, not about kids. Frankly, with how little I've been blogging lately, I may not have any readers anymore, so this may be a moot point. I guess, though, this isn't so much about having kids as it is about being a kid, or about me being a kid. I hope if I still have readers they understand.

This is about my Gran, my Mom's mom.

I like to think of Gran as a real "broad." As a child, she would teach me Yiddish curses that translated to things like, "May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground!" She also taught me that you always dress for the theater, and it never hurts to have "your people" at places like your bank, your department store, and your favorite restaurant.

The week before last, she fell and broke her hip, in that horrid way that only elderly people can do, requiring surgery and a rod to put the pieces back together. As we feared, she did not do well. Pain control was difficult to achieve, and she was too stubborn and tired to go to rehab. My uncle decided to have her transferred to hospice last week, and on Thursday morning, she died, surrounded by my uncle, aunt, and cousins. Ironically (and blessedly), Patrick and I were already in Oklahoma for myhigh school reunion when we got the call. She will be buried here in OK next to my grandfather and near my mother, where she wanted to be since the day Mom died. I am so glad I was here so I could help with local arrangements.

So I've been thinking a lot about what goes into making us who we are. Gran was a big part of it. Sort of your typical New York Jewish grandmother, lots of guilt and mixed messages-- "Eat, eat!" "You're putting on some weight, you have such a pretty face..." but not really the warm, cuddly, bake you cookies type. She was the epitome of a "real lady," always well put together, got her hair and nails done weekly. Always gracious to people, even when she didn't feel like it. When you think about it, for a role model, I could have had worse.

Hopefully the injection of some personal stuff in here will be a good thing. Only time (and comments) will tell.

Working it Out

I want to give props to my sisters-in-law for how they have been dealing with their sons these past few weeks.  One family recently moved here, and their son is 4 1/2.  The other family lives here, and they have 2 sons, the older of which is about 3 1/2.  Both of them are used to being stars, and getting lots of attention.  This makes for a painful wake up call-- necessary, but painful.  It's extremely hard the day you have to deal with the fact that you are not the only golden child.  

I have to say, both Mean Mommies are handling it quite well.  I saw them both in action recently at a family event.  Lots of "not sharing" and lots of whining about it.  Both Mean Mommies stood their ground, were fair yet loving, and wanted no part of a whining little boy.  They made them share, and took toys away when the boys simply could not do it.  

Two wonderful examples, proud to know them both.

Great Minds Think Alike

The other day I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea-- a portable time out mat! One that fits in your purse, so when you're at the store and your little one decides to pull a fit or do something unacceptable, you flop it on the floor and they have their time out right there. It also serves the purpose of showing those around you that you're not just ignoring your child's poor behavior, but dealing with it-- that can stave off some of the dirty looks strangers give when you're trying to discipline in public.

I still think it's a brilliant idea, it's just already been done-- sigh. Take a look at this. I want to buy a stash and give them to my parents as needed.

http://www.take-out-time-out.com/

Because I Said So-- Part 2.

Thanks again to my blog-mentor, Class-Factotum, for alerting me to this blog entry of testosterhome (Love that name, btw!). It is an unsettling reminder of how important it is to get the message to our kids to listen the first time.

http://www.testosterhome.net/2008/05/trust-and-obedience.html

He's Got the Right Idea

Much thanks to my friend, Class-Factotum, for bringing this to my attention:

http://www.dailygazette.com/news/2008/apr/30/0430_spankings/

“If we took our own children off the streets, we wouldn’t need so many police,” the Rev. Emanuel Adams said.

He castigated parents for negotiating with their children instead of setting firm rules.
“We’ve got to control our children,” he said. “You want to argue with them, and yet you feed them and clothe them. I see parents arguing with a 3-year-old child over whether to sit down.”

He, too, offered to help if parents were too afraid to discipline their children themselves.

“You’ve got to discipline that child,” he said. “If you don’t do this, I don’t care what the mayor does, I don’t care what the police do, I don’t care how many cameras you have, you will not resolve this problem.”

Amen.